Monday, June 29, 2009

I really should be better about blogging, once I start, I enjoy it, and I was hoping to use this blog as some sort of half hearted attempt at a pregnancy journal, seeing that there is little chance that I will be scrapbooking anything. Ever.
But for some reason I just can't get myself to commit on a regular basis. I am tired, I can't take a deep breath, my feet hurt and so on. I could think of a bunch of things to whine about. But the bottom line is that I am still in denial.
Why? What more will it take to convince me? I can feel the baby move all the time. I know that she gets angry when I lay on my back or get mad at Greg, she gets very active when the radio is on too loud, or when we are at the movie theater, and that she isn't all that happy when I have McDonalds for lunch.
I have been working away on my "here comes baby" to do list (honestly, Greg has been working away on my to do list, but I am a really good manager).
Nursery furniture: Half a check - Got the cribs and closet up and put together, still need changing table, maybe rocking chair, decor and bedding.
Nursery design: Check! Walls are painted, wallpaper is up, and window coverings are purchased and just need to be installed.
Baby name: Check! Mia Grace Mongrain. It's settled, there is no going back. It's the only thing Greg and I can agree on. Unless of course she looks like a Daphne. Or an Audrey.
Car Seat: Check! Hilariously, the car seat combo that we have has actually expired. My grandma bought it for me the first time we were expecting. Kind of ironic. My desire to have more children probably expired right about the same time, last December, when Tessa was 6 mo old. I was so happy, content and satisified.
Registering for classes: Check! Bella will take the hospital sibling tour in August, Greg and I have to attend a "Preparing for Csection" class in July, and we are scheduled for our hospital tour and preregistration in July as well. I even bravely signed up for a breast feeding class.
Proper prenatal care and monitoring: Check! Starting the first week of July, in addition to all of the regular prenatal care, I begin my weekly "monitoring" where they monitor Miss Mia and myself for any signs of stress (really, you need to monitor for that? I could save us all the time and $$ and just tell them that I need a permanent Margarita IV and a full time nanny) or preterm labor.
So, as of Wednesday I will be 26 weeks along (3rd trimester, yahoo!), and have been shopping, decorating and scheduling my little heart out. But as much as I love to spend money, I am still not sold. I keep telling myself it's because I still don't look obviously pregnant, just like I have been spending too much time at the dessert table. But there is a good chance that I will never have that cute little baby bump. So then what? I know that I am neurotic. And I know that I over think things. But as much as I over think it, I don't get it. How can I finally get something that I wanted so desperately, for so long, and not be excited? Am I just that ungrateful? I tell myself that it's because I already got so lucky with my two girls, that a person really shouldn't expect any more. But who am I kidding?
I think that my biggest hurdle is wondering if I will fail. Or not really fail, but not be good enough, or grateful enough. If you don't really have the desire to be a stay at home mom, will you ever be a good one? If you think that play dough and stickers are the devil's toys, will you be able to substitute those with trips to Build a Bear? Is it wrong that Bella thinks that Nordstrom is better then Walmart? Or is it just proof that she is my daughter? Should my 4 yr old really know when one of her friends' mommy is prettier then another friends' mommy? How can I expect to be a good mom for 3 kids when I am barely doing it for 2?
Maybe down the road when I finally accept the fact that therapy is a necessity, I will be able to blame my issues on my own parents. They never had kids because they wanted to, they just had them because they happened, and then reminded us regularly of that fact. Will I be guilty of letting history repeat itself? I hope not. And if all else fails, even if I am not the greatest mom, at least all three of my girls will be the best dressed, right?